My husband and I have the most comfortable bed and I usually snuggle in and sleep amazing. Well, except for the nights I hear my little 3 year old’s feet running in asking if it’s time to “waked” up yet. Our typical morning usually starts with my husband waking up first because I am the one that would rather NOT shower to give me 10 more minutes of sleep. The second my feet hit the floor is when it happens.
MY MIND starts racing through different thoughts, some is what the day holds, some is how late I am running, but most are about ME. I look in the mirror getting ready and disgust and an overwhelming sense of how ugly I look and how fat I feel take over.
“These pants are too tight”, “My hair looks like I just got electrocuted”, “My husband probably is ashamed of all the weight I have gained.”
There were MANY years the number on the scale defined me and my feelings controlled me. My worth and value was in what I thought I could never be. The mom that could wear skinny jeans and had the perfect curls in her hair. The wife who could still fit in her wedding dress 10 years later and look the same. I believed that I was stuck feeling exhausted and miserable and the only saving grace I had in my marriage was because he traveled so he didn’t have to see me everyday. Insecurity crept in like a nightmare that would never leave.
“Take every thought captive, to obey Christ…” was a scripture I ignored because there were years I used the Bible more as a dart board then TRUTH. I never realized that it truly mattered what I believed about myself. Negative thoughts about myself overflowed and I started assuming what other people thought about me which in turn affected almost every relationship I had. Staying home seemed more appealing because that way I didn’t have to run into someone at the grocery store and I was the one ok with NOT being in a picture because of how looked.
I wanted to be invisible.
For years, my thoughts controlled my feelings, relationships, and actions and that is how I lived. I thought my boys Wilson and Levi would grow up being ashamed I was their mother. I lost my identity and just wanted to hide in the mounds of laundry that engulfed my floors.
It was in 2012 I began to fight for my health and the realization that I could have HOPE finally captured my heart. I got on facebook and started engaging in conversation with women about how I felt and how I truly felt like I “hated” myself by the way I thought about myself. What I found astounded me- I WASN’T ALONE. I started losing weight and changing the way I saw myself. I read the Bible differently and instead of picking out “the good parts,” I started reading things that would convict me. My life is a sum of all my thoughts and that is how I lived my life. I missed out on life and when my boys get bigger there will be photo albums their mother will not be in. That was not good enough for me.
If I truly wanted to live my life for GOD I needed to learn how to “Take my thoughts captive in obedience to HIM”. How in the world do you switch gears from a negative mindset to one that walks in accordance to HIS word? Well, we can’t! It’s NOT humanly possible for us to completely change our mindsets. It’s only by God’s strength can we discipline ourselves to control our thoughts.
God has molded and shaped me the last 3 1/2 years to see myself the way HE sees me and to discipline my thoughts. My insecurities still creep in and the more I read HIS WORD the more I am reminded that HE created me in HIS image which means I bashed HIS image for years! I am HIS daughter and HE created me with purpose! My calling does not include hiding but instead putting my scars and mistakes in LIGHT for other women to see! It truly matters what you believe about yourself and how you can impact your world. YOU have a ripple effect that will be positive or negative and it starts with your thoughts!
So take your thoughts CAPTIVE and obey the ONE who created you perfectly and loves you outrageously, because you are beautifully designed!